It used to be that winning through intimidation was the ticket to success.  But these days, intimidation techniques are easily transparent and quickly rejected by whatever constituency resides in your crosshairs.  No, today it’s all about likeability.  Simon Cowell talks about it on his talent shows—he calls it the “it factor”—politicians are elected with it, careers are empowered by it. But while it looks easy, it is anything but. In fact, these days likeability is as strategic as it is attractive.

In the derby for success in business and politics, contestants square off not only against each other, but a plethora of obstacles, variables, decisions and responses, deal-killers all, that can originate from that darkest and most dreaded netherworld called the self.  In other words, many careers are arrested or even derailed because someone inadvertently shoots themselves in the proverbial foot, or they simply disappear into a crowd of more likeable people. Conversely, some soar to unlikely heights because they understand how to steer the voting constituency—and make no mistake, there is a voting constituency in business; they’re called customers, co-workers and management—toward other aspects of their game. They’re just so darn likeable, even when they are something less than perfect, so they get the promotion, they win the deal, and in spite of thin platforms and lack of experience, even in spite of all that is logical and good, they get elected.

Likeability Case Study: Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton, he of eight years of White House occupancy, is perhaps the most charismatic and likeable of all recent American Presidents, with the possible exception of Ronald Reagan and John F. Kennedy.   And yet, consider what he had to work around to maintain that status today—he had sexual relations with a staff member in the Oval Office, he lied to the citizens of his country when caught with his pants down, then he lied to the grand jury, he tried to spin words of explanation with embarrassing desperation, and he emerged virtually unscathed—his court-mandated $90,000 fine for contempt of court was even paid from voter contributions; later, when he received an $8 million advance for his memoirs, no payback was forthcoming.  Today he complements his Secretary of State spouse, the once-upon-a-time Democratic front runner for US President Hillary Clinton, not as a liability, but as a PR superstar who draws crowds and adulation exceeded only by Oprah Winfrey. 

You Are Nothing More Than the Sum of Who Likes You

The power of likeability is no less critical to success in the private business sector, though like politics, outside influences often sway the vote.  But personality and likeability are invaluable assets to cultivate, and they are learnable skills to all who are willing to do the homework and bring a mirror to the process.  Because while some are certainly born with a natural charm and tendency to project likeability, the traits, characteristics and behaviors associated with it are definable and accessible, and they can be learned by anyone looking to improve their prospects.

Like athletes who must compensate for their weaknesses in order to win–a poor defensive team can still win if their offense is strong enough–the entire likeability proposition must be considered as the conglomeration of many parts, while recognizing that the egregious violation of any single element can take you down.  But here’s the good news about likeability: cultivate enough of it and when your dark side occasionally pops up–again, think Bill Clinton–the equity of your sparkling personality and humble countenance may just buy you a get-out-of-jail-free card, not to mention preserve your popularity with the adoring masses.  

What, however, if ‘Former President of the United States’ is not part of your Curriculum Vitae? Can you still catch a break in court, just because you have a nice smile?  The evidence suggests just that. Author Dulin Kelly wrote about this in 1977, in the court preparation trade publication Voir Dire. She says: “One item that keeps reappearing in cases tried or settled, is the likeability factor. If your client is a likeable person, this characteristic will in all likelihood affect the outcome of your case in two ways: First, the jury will want to award compensation to your client, because the jurors like him or her. This may overcome a case of close liability. Second, there is no question that if the jury likes your client the amount of compensation is likely to be higher.”

While it might take an entire bookstore wing or a year of graduate school to fully appreciate the underlying psychology of likeability, the basics are easy to spot and understand.  Test these against the people in your life that you consider likeable, and you’ll see they are consistent and inviolate.

Positive Energy – the Catch-All of Likeability

Likeable people project positive energy. They are the anti-Dick Cheney, the reversed reflection of Britain’s Gordon Brown: they smile, they ask questions, they show interest in others and in things that are important to others. Their body language shows no impatience, there is no quintessence of superiority in their demeanor or manner. They are just like you, and perfectly happy to be so.  They laugh often, smile constantly.  They are resolutely polite, yet not so polite that they seem cold or distant. Then, when the moment for contemplation or gravity arrives, they go there effortlessly and with sincerity. Watch certain movie stars being interviewed on late night talk shows and you’ll see this in spades; millions of folks at once are saying, “wow, she’s just like the rest of us!  Only prettier and much, much richer.”  Likeable people are fun to be with; easy to watch and to listen to, engaging and generally attractive in all aspects of how they consume space on the planet.

Humility

Likeable people are invariably humble. Nothing puts others off quite like arrogance or the slightest perception of superiority. The combination of competence and achievement with humility is an unstoppable force for likeability.   That’s what makes some of our favorite business tycoons, like Richard Branson and Warren Buffett, so interesting to watch; they bring a sense of humility to their conversations, despite their extraordinary fortunes and fame. Sometimes they even seem embarrassed by all the attention. And yet they walk through the world with assured confidence. The line between confident humility and an over-wrought ego is thin, but it is crystal clear to just about everybody, and it is defined not only by words, but by tone, facial expression and body language. If you wonder about your own score on this one, ask a trusted friend to be honest with you, and get to work on getting humble.  If you don’t, life usually finds a way to teach it to you anyway, and it likely won’t be on your terms.

Competence

The desired by-product of competence, at least within the confined space of the likeability equation, is to elicit respect and the confidence of others. You are trying to earn the admiration of those around you and those whose support you need, rather than assuming it or asking for it. Once earned, you will have created a buffer that will forgive your humanity at some future point. Without competence, even the most likeable will find themselves in the audience instead of on the stage.

Controlling the Negative

Consider, for a moment, the dynamic of marriage, one in which the role of likeability is huge. Many marriages end despite the partners saying that they really love each other, but they no longer like each other. They can’t live together; they are out of harmony. The primary element behind this—and one that can destroy careers as quickly as it does marriages—is the manner in which they handle conflict. Anger and hostility are archenemies of likeability; it’s virtually impossible to like someone who throws things, literally and figuratively, at you when angry, despite inherent charisma, generosity and otherwise positive energy. How you handle yourself in the face of challenging situations is of paramount importance to your likeability scorecard, because you can be sure all eyes are on you to see what you’ll say and do. Handle it right and it’s an opportunity to raise your stock. Blow it, and you’ll disappear into the crowd, or worse, the end of the queue. 

Be Present, Be Relevant, Be Real

There are degrees of likeability, and understanding how to elevate yours will serve you. The janitor in your building may be likeable. The guy who made your Venti Cappuccino on the way to work this morning may be likeable. But you aspire to bigger things, and it will take more than the essential entry-level qualities of positive energy, humility and competence to get you there. What you really need, to send your likeability quotient through the roof, is to boost your competence factor by making a difference in whatever situation you may find yourself.  Don’t be a by-stander; get involved, be present and accounted for.  Take on responsibility and then nail it. Be creative, passionate, but keep it real.  And most of all create consequences and own them when they arrive. Nothing erodes likeability quite like failure in the face of bluster, so match your level of energy with your ability to win. Then, when you do, spread the credit around and stay humble, with the perception that you are more interested in the results than the reviews.  

Like any interpersonal power, likeability is a craft that must be cultivated and learned, even if you bring natural skills to the party. It requires self-awareness and complete honesty about your place on this tricky learning curve. And while some would consider the very notion of purposefully crafting a higher level of likeability to create positive consequences in your own life as calculated and self-serving, the truth is that once you achieve it—and by definition, you won’t unless you do it right—the real benefit is bestowed on those around you. That’s the true hallmark of likeability; others simply want to be with you, to listen to you, to learn from you, to support you and tap into your positive energy toward the pursuit of a common goal. And that sounds like a win-win situation to me.

For more on this and many other techniques, strategies and coaching advice on building a powerful executive presence, get the new book, Executive Presence: The Art of Commanding Respect Like a CEO

© Harrison Monarth 2009